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emily338
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Country: United States
State: California
Gender: Female
Interests: Honestly, I would like to change the world.... make it a better place, and all that. But I wouldn't know how to do that. I'm rather certain that God has to be part of the plan. But unfortunatley, I just live my life day to day, reacting to the situations that I'm in rather than acting before-hand to change where I might be. But my interest would be figuring out how to change the world.
Expertise: I speak English really, really well. That's all you need to get a job in Hong Kong.
Occupation: Education/training - I'm gonna
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
6/24/2003
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| It's new year's resolutions time. last year steph and i made some lists for each other for the new year. (some of which were done, some of which were not, all of which will remain secret =P) so in the same tradition, i enlist the help of my facebook friends in making new year's resolutions. then i'll pick 9 resolutions/goals for '09.
1. re-learn to ride a bike and go ride one somewhere (probably at the beach)
2. eat salad more often so that i can fake being healthy
3. take an international trip (ie. get passport renewed and use it)
4.
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9.
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| Tis the season for family fights.
not really fights this year. just the overwhelming feeling of loneliness.
it's true, every christmas brings up memories of Christmases past. When i was young, Christmases were so fun. We would all pile in the car and go to my aunt's house for christmas eve with my mom's side of the family. i had 4 cousins and they were all older than me. we would play house and spies and then later video games. then my cousins got older and pregnant, but it was still fun. then my parents got divorced and my dad would still take us to my aunt's. and we would have a split christmas morning.
but later on, my aunt went crazy and now i don't talk to my mom's side anymore. so we spent christmas eve and day with just my mom and dad. but we still had fun.
then came the library book years. when my parents fought about where we should be at what time. it was so awful for us as kids. because we would be having fun w/ one of our parents, and the other one would be calling every 5 minutes to see if we were done yet. we would have to be at certain places at certain times. we were due at the assigned time- hence why i said we were like library books. i was in late elementary school or middle school at the time.
now i just have the lonely years. both parents have re-married. dad has become part of step-mom's family. mom has moved to colorado. brother has girlfriend. i have no one. kinda fake being part of step-mom's family, but really it's not the same. this is my 3rd year having the same conversation with my dad: i hate christmas. we have no family traditions. this is not my family and i don't feel welcome here.
christmas eve i had to go to 2 friends houses to join their family traditions. i see why single/divorced people hate christmas so much. count me as one of them. i told my dad that i had to get a boyfriend b/c i don't want to do this again next year. no matter how much i have to lower my standards, i have to do something different. and this not having anywhere to sleep thing is annoying too. since i've been kicked out of my old room since the end of october. i don't know where my family wants me to go honestly. i spent 2 nights in my step-bro's room, then a night at my apt, a night on a couch, and then tonight there was no where for me to go. i came back to my gma's so i could sleep in the office, b/c that's always my fall back plan. they told me to go in my room instead, but it's the storage room for everyone who is visiting from out of town, so i'm expecting that they will come in several times in the night. i never ever want to do this again. never ever. please don't let me be home for christmas again next year. i try to stay in la, be the good family girl, but i'm sick of being the good girl. in return, i only find out how expendable and unwelcome i am. here's to the hope of 2009.
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| passed away last Tuesday. Everyone knows that I love my grandma so very dearly. Most people don't know that I also grew up around my aunt grace. She lived in the Harbor Gateway area since 1960, only about 10 or 15 minutes away from my house. My more recent times visiting her were about a year and a half ago when I lived at home to take care of my grandma. I visited my aunt grace 2 or 3 times a week to take things to her house, help her with things, or drive my grandma over to see her. More recently with my gma driving again and not living at home, i hadn't seen her as often.
She went into the hospital Tuesday Nov 4th because of complications with her ulcer. They had to drain it through her mouth, and she was in really bad shape, so she said she didn't want visitors. My aunt told me it was bad and that if this process didn't work, she was not a good candidate for surgery because of her age. I didn't even know that she had actually been released from the hospital when I got word that she had passed away. I was sad, but it was almost expected. She had lived a long, difficult, but meaningful life, which ended on Tues Nov 11th. She had gone to heaven.
However later that night, I found out that my aunt actually took her own life. She used a gun and shot herself. I was shocked. My whole family was shocked. My aunt was so amazingly unselfish that we couldn't even imagine this happening. I still don't think we have come to grips with how she passed away, nor will we ever know the exact reason why.
At the funeral today, there were over 200 people. She was an extremely active volunteer with the Harbor division of the LAPD. There were several police officers at the funeral, as well as her fellow HarborLITES volunteers. Her volunteer work has been her life for the last several years. She had become email-savy to do work from home for them, and I remember her telling me stories about all that she does and how if she didn't do what she did for their communications, it wouldn't get done b/c she was the one who had always done it. They had a picture of the first volunteer orientation class from 1993, but I think she was volunteering even before the founding of the HarborLITES. HarborLITES I believe stands for ladies in time, effort, and service, which is exactly what she was.
My aunt lived through so much in her life. She lost one of her legs when she was 10 when she was run over by a car. She had it replaced with a prosthetic leg, but the technology was not as good back then. I remember when I was little aunt grace had to take her leg off at night and put it back on in the morning. She had a daughter (Sherry) who was born mentally handicapped, and my aunt cared for her for 18 years until she passed away. More recently, she was run over a second time and lost her other leg. She has been in a wheelchair for the last 7 years. However, what she suffered never stopped her from doing good and loving and serving others, especially her beloved LAPD and her neighbors.
She lived in the Harbor Gateway area, one of, if not the most dangerous, neighborhoods in the South Bay. When I used to visit her frequently, she and I would laugh about how I couldn't stay long because my dad had said that I was not allowed to visit her because her neighborhood was unsafe. I have never been to her house at night because of this. But she assured me that she was safe because the police watched her house closely and they would not let anything happen to her. I'm pretty sure she was the chairperson of the neighborhood watch too.
She lived in that neighborhood in the same house for 48 years. She loved the neighborhood. Every Tuesday, she went to an outreach even at a local park to hand out food to people in need. She kept a pantry in her garage where neighbors could come to get food for free when they needed it. She collected donations and then thought of people in her neighborhood who were in need. I have never taken a bag to Goodwill, I always take my things and my friends things to Aunt Grace. She knows the needs of the community better than anyone else. Even when her family wanted her to move closer to them, or just get out of the unsafe neighborhood, she would not move. Her love was stronger than anything else. Some people talk about living in the inner city and loving the neighborhood, but my aunt wrote the book on it. I wish that she could have taught a class or something.
Of course, one of the main ways that she loved her neighbors was through her volunteerism with the police force. Like I said, there were lots of officers at her funeral. She also would go around the neighborhood looking for problems, and then she would fax them into the city council. City Council woman Jane Hanh was the first person to speak at my aunt's funeral. She told that story of my aunt. She said that if the problems were not fixed within 24 hours, she would expect a phone call from Grace. She knew my aunt, and she even recommended to her staff that they use the same tenacity in their work that Grace had. Another person who spoke was the officer in charge of the Harbor Division of the LAPD. He said that when he was first promoted to being in charge (whatever position that is called) the first thing he wanted to do was meet with people in the community - the important people. Before meeting business owners or anyone else, everyone told him that he had to meet with Grace. So she was the first person that he met with. He also said that she knew more stories of officers than anyone else, and we would all agree with that. She had such a love for the department and all of the officers.
At her funeral they had some of the elements of a police burial to honor her. Towards the end of the service, they honored her with a flag which was given to her son Mike. Then they had the family follow the casket outside to the car, where before her leaving us, they played taps (the song that is played at all the official funerals) and the Harbor division police force helicopter flew over. I think everyone was crying at this point as I am even now. Then they put her casket into the car and it was over. Now she is entombed somewhere at the cemetery.
It's so sad and I don't know if I really believe that she is gone. It will definitely be hard at Thanksgiving as we will feel a hole left by her absence. It will probably be even harder when it comes to January and we are ready to celebrate our family birthday party for January birthdays. I don't know what to make of her life and now her death. My aunt more than many people lived by faith. The verse that she chose for her own funeral was Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." She had paraphrased it into something more than this, but that's the part of the verse that I know. I have never had an in-depth discussion of faith with her, but her faith is known and seen by everyone that knew her. Her humble and gentle manner, her service to others, her ability to deal with all of the challenges that her life has presented her with, her super-natural ability to love others. All of this comes from her faith in Christ and her reliance on His strength. That has never been more clear that knowing that this is the verse that she would choose to be remembered by. It's the verse that she lived by, and now I guess continues to live by in heaven. We will all miss her and can only hope to live up to a part of the example that she set. I'm very proud to have had her as my aunt.
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| This weekend I've felt:
- frustrated - sitting in traffic b/c of the fires
- selfish - sitting in traffic b/c of the fires and thinking about ppl actually affected by the fires
- concerned for friends/family in those areas
- happy - hanging out w/ classmates
- annoyed - at my family
- happy - chatting w/ leeann, hanging out at amanda's
- sad - b/c my family tells me that i'm not good enough
- like crying - b/c my family tells me that i'm not good enough and i listen to them
- dissappointed - with myself b/c i listen to my family
- conflicted - about going to a baby shower i didn't want to go to and actually wasn't even invited to
- empowered - by not going and arriving when it worked out for me, and everyone was ok with it
- confused - about how to deal with loss
- sorry - b/c i get so off course in life
- stressed - b/c i have a lot to do for work and it's just not going to get done, but that has to just be ok
- loved - b/c shirley graded my tests for me
- sick to my stomach - probably b/c of everything else i just listen
- secretive - b/c i don't like to tell things
goodnight.
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| i was reading a book tonight (shocking) at the gym (more shocking). it's called what every middle school teacher should know. or something along those lines. it's not super interesting, but there was one point that i thought was excellent. it said what are you doing in your class that makes students want to be there? in other words, if they weren't required to be there, would your students still attend your class? and i thought to myself....my students? humm....probably some of them would, but that's not b/c of what i'm doing, that's just b/c they are good kids. i gotta figure out how to be a better teacher and not so boring!
i watched the ucla - fresno state game this weekend, and i think that ucla showed some very definite improvement. it helps when the running back is playing. just think, if we had a 1st or 2nd string quarterback, we would even start winning. but at least this game was more competitive.
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